My Latest Video

I felt compelled to write a blog post on this because I didn’t feel as though a tweet or a facebook post gave me enough room to really talk about it properly.

I went to a new gym today to do a Hiit class (It was AMAZING but bloody TOUGH which I complain about but secretly I absolutely love it!) and I was in the changing rooms after chatting to the 2 girls I did the class with about my channel and the kind of content I make. I was saying how it was very comedy focused but recently I have been doing a lot of stuff around mental health and fitness. The conversation then ended (because they had showers not because they were bored of talking to me…..I think!) and I went to the mirrors to dry my hair. Then the girl who signed me in at reception then came up to me and said ‘Did I hear you mention you had a channel about mental health?’ to which she then started saying how she suffers very badly from anxiety and that she has just started anti depressants which seem to be helping a bit but she is trying to do more fitness as she knows it can be really helpful.

Now I am someone who will openly chat to anyone about my experiences with mental health because I know how valuable that can be for someone. I know this because it was once so valuable to me when I was at my lowest. Just for someone to say ‘I totally understand what you are going through’ means the world! Although it won’t fix you, what it will do is make you feel less alone and reassure you that you are NOT going mad and that is HUGE when you are suffering…….HUGE (sorry I LOVE a capital letter!).

She then began talking about certain symptoms of anxiety and how she often felt like she was in a dream or a film and how she thought she was going insane. I then started to tell her how utterly normal this was and that you’d struggle to find someone who has anxiety who didn’t have this symptom or at least know what it was. I also said I had had it and still have it on some days and how it’s utterly normal despite being terrifying at first. Honestly you should have seen the look of relief on her face and she said ‘oh my god thank you so much, I am so pleased I came to speak to you, you’ve made me feel so much better and that I am not going insane’. We then continued to have a lovely chat about it all in which I spoke about how much fitness has helped me and that I know it can be really hard at first when you feel shit but it gets easier the more you do it. I also recommended the book I bang on about all the time on my channel ‘At Last a Life’ by Paul David and she said she would buy it and check out the videos about mental health on my channel.

This example is EXACTLY why I ignore my parent’s advice about not talking about anxiety because honestly, there is no feeling like that feeling where you know you have really made someone feel less alone in whatever they are going through. What my parents fail to understand is that if NO ONE talked about mental health, I truly believe there would be an even higher suicide rate in this country. When I had hugely severe anxiety last year, if no one had spoken about it either on youtube or to me in person then, well to be honest I don’t even like to think about what could have happened. There is nothing more important to knowing you are NOT alone!

I walked out of that gym with such a smile on my face because I was THAT girl and now I am going through recovery I get to talk to people and help them.

If you are currently struggling and feel as though you have no one in your life that ‘gets it’ then remember, you have me.

Also the website that Paul David set up was and is still sometimes invaluable to me on my ‘down’ days. Not only has he written some great blog posts but there is a wonderfully supportive community on there where everyone shares their stories and helps eachother. I can’t recommend his website more highly:

Thank you for listening

Emily x

I know what you’re thinking….you don’t look 33 Emily! Please stop….you’re making me blush

30 bloody 3, you know when your birthday is coming up and you’re like oh my god I am actually going to be 33. How did I get here? It’s weird. When I was younger, I thought 33 was sooooo old and now I’m 33 it’s like wow I am still acting like I am 20. Except now when I go out I like to sit down and that’s it. Every year before my birthday I think I am ok about the fact I am 1 year older but then that date creeps up slowly and then I start to freak out a bit. Well not freak out, I’m over exaggerating but I do feel a bit weird, that’s normal right? You can’t answer me. It’s kind of like christmas or new year isn’t it? It’s like a time of year where you think what you were doing last year, where you were, how you felt, what have you achieved in that year. And don’t get me wrong last year I felt pretty bloody terrible on my birthday. I was drowning in anxiety and I wasn’t able to appreciate much so to just know how much I have improved is amazing in itself but I won’t lie, I still don’t REALLY wanna be 33. There are things I don’t have which I would like, like a partner (god I actually just said the word partner), I would like to stop being so frivolous with money and actually save something, anything actually. I do want children 100%, when I was younger I was always the one of our sisters to play with babies, and do babysitting and I have always just ben very maternal and good with children and this is something I want for my life. Some people aren’t that bothered about having children but I am and always have been. So I think as a woman in your 30s these are things you naturally think about. Do you know what isn’t helpful? Other people telling you that. When people are like ‘ohh should you be thinking about kids soon’, ‘you know it becomes harder to get pregnant as you get older’, what confuses me is do people think it’s helpfuil when they say stuff like this? Are they seriously stupid enough to not think these are things I already know and already put pressure on myself about so I don’t need the added pressure from you. Ok? I understand that women have to think more about age with regards to children because of our stupid biological clocks  but no one needs reminding of it, NO ONE. Because I assure you we already know! I spent 2 years of my life with insane anxiety worrying about things I cannot control and I am not doing that anymore. Would I like to meet someone? Yes. Would I like to have children at some point? Absolutely. Am I willing to settle for someone just because I want that stuff? No! if you are, then you know that’s great but I just can’t do that and I don’t want to do that. I have friends who are single and miserable, I have friends who are with people and miserable. I have friends who are single and couldn’t care less, and friends who are very happy with their partners. We are all on different paths and I know it’s so easy to compare ourselves sometimes to other people but that’s their life, this is yours. Comparing will drive you insane, trust me. It’s a large part of why I went I insane last year I think.


I’ll be honest, I have spent most of my life thinking  I need a man to complete me and when I met someone THEN I’ll be happy. Fuck me, what a load of absolute bollocks!! Like seriously!! And it’s taken me a long time to be happy being by myself and I honestly think there is nothing more important than that. Jessica hates being by herself and rarely is actually and I used to be like that but over the years I am truly embraced it and become so much more brave and indepedant than I ever thought possible and I’m proud of myself for that. And while I’m on the topic of being single, why is it that we treat single people like some anthropological study? It’s like what is the big deal? Do I need a boyfriend to get validation from other people or something? I think increasingly nowadays (and I can only real speak for women here) but being single is a choice, atleast for me anyway because a lot of us nowadays aren’t willing to settle. It’s 2017, as someone with a vagina I have more to offer life than being a wife and bearing a child, yes biology will obviously fuck us in the end but there is more to us now and some people need to remember that.

Wow I’ve gone of topic, I have a habit of doing that……..

So yes I’m 33 in (however many days) days and as much as I can’t quite believe I’m going to be 33. I’m proud of myself for a lot of things:

  1. For not giving up when things were absolutely horrific
  2. For being self employed and sticking with my dreams (because there were big lows with regards to that and not knowing how I’m going to pay my rent often)
  3. For keeping going with my youtube channel. It’s been 5 years with putting 1 sometimes two videos every week. That is madness and it takes a shit load of self motivation

So although I don’t have everything my heart desires, I feel ok about being 33. But if anyone mentions my ovaries, I will LOSE. MY. SHIT

God I don’t even know where to begin on this. I am not going to go into the back story of my history of severe anxiety because I have spoken about it so many times on my channel.  But most of my long term subscribers know of my past struggles and I have just got back from Bareclona and as I was sitting on the rooftop of our hotel I don’t even know why I started thinking about this but I was suddenly quite overcome with just sadness that because of my anxiety, I essentially lost 2 years of my life. I don’t mean ‘lost’ as in, I did absolutely nothing. I didn’t just sit in my room for 2 years and not go outside or anything, although often going outside and doing something was extremely difficult. I just feel like I didn’t live for those 2 years and I kinda wanted to talk about it and get my thoughts down on paper. Partly from a selfish perspective because it’s quite cathartic for me to get my thoughts written down and spoken about but also for other people to feel less alone I guess and to know that I might feel the same as you. If only 1 person watching this video can relate and it makes me feel just a little better, then it’s been worth it.

Before I start talking about it, I want to clarify that what I went through was horrific but I also know that other people might have suffered for longer and are thinking ‘2 years, that’s nothing, try 10’ or whatever. I don’t want to downplay anyone else’s mental health issues, all I can do is comment on my own and my opinions of it all. So I truly hope I don’t offend anyone in this video and if anyone wants to share their experiences, please comment down below and I promise to reply to as many people as possible because I can talk about this subject for a long time. All I try and do is get people talking about what they’re going through because a problem shared is a problem halved genuinely. I wouldn’t have got through what I did without those people around me that knew exactly what I was going though, that was definitely a very essential part of my recovery so yeah, let’s all talk about it.

I just feel sad I think, not like a sadness that is making me feel anxious or anything. I just feel a bit sad and regret is an emotion I also feel but regretting is just such a waste of time, like literally the past doesn’t exist, it’s nothing, it’s gone. All you have is the here and now but it’s human nature to look back on stuff isn’t it? We humans love an analysing session don’t we? So I won’t spend too much time on talking about regret because it is something I don’t want to do anymore because whatever I did prior to my breakdown were choices I made at the time and they felt right then even if they probably weren’t really. I probably could have avoided my breakdown but in saying that, maybe something else would have happened that would have in a word…broken me, who knows? I knew I couldn’t handle the instability and ups and downs of the tv and online industry yet I didn’t give up on it because I’m not like that but there were so many signs I ignored and anxiety ended up getting the better of me. But anyway as I said, I’m not dwelling on regret because I don’t think it’s healthy.

I’m just sad that I missed out 2 years of my life because of anxiety. It was all I thought about 24 hours of every fucking day, I wasn’t sleeping at all, I couldn’t work because I found being around ppl too hard,  I didn’t go out so I didn’t meet any guys at all during this time and I’m sad that I wasted time from when I was 30 to 32 I guess. I was just obsessed with anxiety and when anxiety is all you think about and when you can’t function like other people, that is when you know you have a serious problem and I really did. I want to meet someone and I want certain things from life and I’m so sad that for those 2 years I cared about nothing apart from trying to get better mentally, hmmmm I don’t know. I was talking to my older sister about this in Barcelona and she was saying ‘we all have regrets, there are things we all feel sad about.  That was your life path, who knows what would happened, maybe this was just how things were meant to be for you and who knows it could have turned out even worse’ and she’s totally right. We all can look at the past and think what I should have done or could have done but you have to believe that what is meant to be will be and being totally honest, my breakdown was always going to happen and I knew it, ever since I was younger and I genuinely form the bottom of my heart don’t regret my breakdown because it has taught me things that will stay with me forever. I have read up so much about the mind and anxiety and depression and knowing what I know now I KNOW I will never have a breakdown ever again. So the tools I have to handle it all now is incredible and without my breakdown I would still be suffering from anxiety and feeling totally confused about what it is and how to handle it.

However, in saying all of that, I can’t get those 2 years of my life back and of course that makes me sad. Would I have met the love of my life? Would I have my own sitcom that I have always wanted? Maybe, maybe not. Those questions are impossible to answer so I don’t think about them because that doesn’t lead to  a good place, I’m just being totally honest about all of this and saying how it makes me feel.

What I do have, is a future and for those 2 years I couldn’t even envisage one so that is something I am eternally grateful for and often still can’t believe I am where I am today. I can work, and I can enjoy things and actually look forward to future events and for a long time I wasn’t capable of any of this. So the future is mine now and I am not going to waste anymore time thinking about anxiety. I am not totally recovered but that’s ok. I now feel in control of my life and I feel creative again. I can’t change the past but that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel a bit sad about it.

I hope this video has been helpful in some way or did I just ramble on? I’m not sure. Hopefully the former is true. Please comment below, we can all share our stories together and chat about it because you know me, I love to talk.

Thanks for reading this 🙂

Emily x