God I don’t even know where to begin on this. I am not going to go into the back story of my history of severe anxiety because I have spoken about it so many times on my channel. But most of my long term subscribers know of my past struggles and I have just got back from Bareclona and as I was sitting on the rooftop of our hotel I don’t even know why I started thinking about this but I was suddenly quite overcome with just sadness that because of my anxiety, I essentially lost 2 years of my life. I don’t mean ‘lost’ as in, I did absolutely nothing. I didn’t just sit in my room for 2 years and not go outside or anything, although often going outside and doing something was extremely difficult. I just feel like I didn’t live for those 2 years and I kinda wanted to talk about it and get my thoughts down on paper. Partly from a selfish perspective because it’s quite cathartic for me to get my thoughts written down and spoken about but also for other people to feel less alone I guess and to know that I might feel the same as you. If only 1 person watching this video can relate and it makes me feel just a little better, then it’s been worth it.
Before I start talking about it, I want to clarify that what I went through was horrific but I also know that other people might have suffered for longer and are thinking ‘2 years, that’s nothing, try 10’ or whatever. I don’t want to downplay anyone else’s mental health issues, all I can do is comment on my own and my opinions of it all. So I truly hope I don’t offend anyone in this video and if anyone wants to share their experiences, please comment down below and I promise to reply to as many people as possible because I can talk about this subject for a long time. All I try and do is get people talking about what they’re going through because a problem shared is a problem halved genuinely. I wouldn’t have got through what I did without those people around me that knew exactly what I was going though, that was definitely a very essential part of my recovery so yeah, let’s all talk about it.
I just feel sad I think, not like a sadness that is making me feel anxious or anything. I just feel a bit sad and regret is an emotion I also feel but regretting is just such a waste of time, like literally the past doesn’t exist, it’s nothing, it’s gone. All you have is the here and now but it’s human nature to look back on stuff isn’t it? We humans love an analysing session don’t we? So I won’t spend too much time on talking about regret because it is something I don’t want to do anymore because whatever I did prior to my breakdown were choices I made at the time and they felt right then even if they probably weren’t really. I probably could have avoided my breakdown but in saying that, maybe something else would have happened that would have in a word…broken me, who knows? I knew I couldn’t handle the instability and ups and downs of the tv and online industry yet I didn’t give up on it because I’m not like that but there were so many signs I ignored and anxiety ended up getting the better of me. But anyway as I said, I’m not dwelling on regret because I don’t think it’s healthy.
I’m just sad that I missed out 2 years of my life because of anxiety. It was all I thought about 24 hours of every fucking day, I wasn’t sleeping at all, I couldn’t work because I found being around ppl too hard, I didn’t go out so I didn’t meet any guys at all during this time and I’m sad that I wasted time from when I was 30 to 32 I guess. I was just obsessed with anxiety and when anxiety is all you think about and when you can’t function like other people, that is when you know you have a serious problem and I really did. I want to meet someone and I want certain things from life and I’m so sad that for those 2 years I cared about nothing apart from trying to get better mentally, hmmmm I don’t know. I was talking to my older sister about this in Barcelona and she was saying ‘we all have regrets, there are things we all feel sad about. That was your life path, who knows what would happened, maybe this was just how things were meant to be for you and who knows it could have turned out even worse’ and she’s totally right. We all can look at the past and think what I should have done or could have done but you have to believe that what is meant to be will be and being totally honest, my breakdown was always going to happen and I knew it, ever since I was younger and I genuinely form the bottom of my heart don’t regret my breakdown because it has taught me things that will stay with me forever. I have read up so much about the mind and anxiety and depression and knowing what I know now I KNOW I will never have a breakdown ever again. So the tools I have to handle it all now is incredible and without my breakdown I would still be suffering from anxiety and feeling totally confused about what it is and how to handle it.
However, in saying all of that, I can’t get those 2 years of my life back and of course that makes me sad. Would I have met the love of my life? Would I have my own sitcom that I have always wanted? Maybe, maybe not. Those questions are impossible to answer so I don’t think about them because that doesn’t lead to a good place, I’m just being totally honest about all of this and saying how it makes me feel.
What I do have, is a future and for those 2 years I couldn’t even envisage one so that is something I am eternally grateful for and often still can’t believe I am where I am today. I can work, and I can enjoy things and actually look forward to future events and for a long time I wasn’t capable of any of this. So the future is mine now and I am not going to waste anymore time thinking about anxiety. I am not totally recovered but that’s ok. I now feel in control of my life and I feel creative again. I can’t change the past but that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel a bit sad about it.
I hope this video has been helpful in some way or did I just ramble on? I’m not sure. Hopefully the former is true. Please comment below, we can all share our stories together and chat about it because you know me, I love to talk.
Thanks for reading this 🙂