I know what you’re thinking….you don’t look 33 Emily! Please stop….you’re making me blush
30 bloody 3, you know when your birthday is coming up and you’re like oh my god I am actually going to be 33. How did I get here? It’s weird. When I was younger, I thought 33 was sooooo old and now I’m 33 it’s like wow I am still acting like I am 20. Except now when I go out I like to sit down and that’s it. Every year before my birthday I think I am ok about the fact I am 1 year older but then that date creeps up slowly and then I start to freak out a bit. Well not freak out, I’m over exaggerating but I do feel a bit weird, that’s normal right? You can’t answer me. It’s kind of like christmas or new year isn’t it? It’s like a time of year where you think what you were doing last year, where you were, how you felt, what have you achieved in that year. And don’t get me wrong last year I felt pretty bloody terrible on my birthday. I was drowning in anxiety and I wasn’t able to appreciate much so to just know how much I have improved is amazing in itself but I won’t lie, I still don’t REALLY wanna be 33. There are things I don’t have which I would like, like a partner (god I actually just said the word partner), I would like to stop being so frivolous with money and actually save something, anything actually. I do want children 100%, when I was younger I was always the one of our sisters to play with babies, and do babysitting and I have always just ben very maternal and good with children and this is something I want for my life. Some people aren’t that bothered about having children but I am and always have been. So I think as a woman in your 30s these are things you naturally think about. Do you know what isn’t helpful? Other people telling you that. When people are like ‘ohh should you be thinking about kids soon’, ‘you know it becomes harder to get pregnant as you get older’, what confuses me is do people think it’s helpfuil when they say stuff like this? Are they seriously stupid enough to not think these are things I already know and already put pressure on myself about so I don’t need the added pressure from you. Ok? I understand that women have to think more about age with regards to children because of our stupid biological clocks but no one needs reminding of it, NO ONE. Because I assure you we already know! I spent 2 years of my life with insane anxiety worrying about things I cannot control and I am not doing that anymore. Would I like to meet someone? Yes. Would I like to have children at some point? Absolutely. Am I willing to settle for someone just because I want that stuff? No! if you are, then you know that’s great but I just can’t do that and I don’t want to do that. I have friends who are single and miserable, I have friends who are with people and miserable. I have friends who are single and couldn’t care less, and friends who are very happy with their partners. We are all on different paths and I know it’s so easy to compare ourselves sometimes to other people but that’s their life, this is yours. Comparing will drive you insane, trust me. It’s a large part of why I went I insane last year I think.
I’ll be honest, I have spent most of my life thinking I need a man to complete me and when I met someone THEN I’ll be happy. Fuck me, what a load of absolute bollocks!! Like seriously!! And it’s taken me a long time to be happy being by myself and I honestly think there is nothing more important than that. Jessica hates being by herself and rarely is actually and I used to be like that but over the years I am truly embraced it and become so much more brave and indepedant than I ever thought possible and I’m proud of myself for that. And while I’m on the topic of being single, why is it that we treat single people like some anthropological study? It’s like what is the big deal? Do I need a boyfriend to get validation from other people or something? I think increasingly nowadays (and I can only real speak for women here) but being single is a choice, atleast for me anyway because a lot of us nowadays aren’t willing to settle. It’s 2017, as someone with a vagina I have more to offer life than being a wife and bearing a child, yes biology will obviously fuck us in the end but there is more to us now and some people need to remember that.
Wow I’ve gone of topic, I have a habit of doing that……..
So yes I’m 33 in (however many days) days and as much as I can’t quite believe I’m going to be 33. I’m proud of myself for a lot of things:
- For not giving up when things were absolutely horrific
- For being self employed and sticking with my dreams (because there were big lows with regards to that and not knowing how I’m going to pay my rent often)
- For keeping going with my youtube channel. It’s been 5 years with putting 1 sometimes two videos every week. That is madness and it takes a shit load of self motivation
So although I don’t have everything my heart desires, I feel ok about being 33. But if anyone mentions my ovaries, I will LOSE. MY. SHIT