I felt compelled to write a blog post on this because I didn’t feel as though a tweet or a facebook post gave me enough room to really talk about it properly.

I went to a new gym today to do a Hiit class (It was AMAZING but bloody TOUGH which I complain about but secretly I absolutely love it!) and I was in the changing rooms after chatting to the 2 girls I did the class with about my channel and the kind of content I make. I was saying how it was very comedy focused but recently I have been doing a lot of stuff around mental health and fitness. The conversation then ended (because they had showers not because they were bored of talking to me…..I think!) and I went to the mirrors to dry my hair. Then the girl who signed me in at reception then came up to me and said ‘Did I hear you mention you had a channel about mental health?’ to which she then started saying how she suffers very badly from anxiety and that she has just started anti depressants which seem to be helping a bit but she is trying to do more fitness as she knows it can be really helpful.

Now I am someone who will openly chat to anyone about my experiences with mental health because I know how valuable that can be for someone. I know this because it was once so valuable to me when I was at my lowest. Just for someone to say ‘I totally understand what you are going through’ means the world! Although it won’t fix you, what it will do is make you feel less alone and reassure you that you are NOT going mad and that is HUGE when you are suffering…….HUGE (sorry I LOVE a capital letter!).

She then began talking about certain symptoms of anxiety and how she often felt like she was in a dream or a film and how she thought she was going insane. I then started to tell her how utterly normal this was and that you’d struggle to find someone who has anxiety who didn’t have this symptom or at least know what it was. I also said I had had it and still have it on some days and how it’s utterly normal despite being terrifying at first. Honestly you should have seen the look of relief on her face and she said ‘oh my god thank you so much, I am so pleased I came to speak to you, you’ve made me feel so much better and that I am not going insane’. We then continued to have a lovely chat about it all in which I spoke about how much fitness has helped me and that I know it can be really hard at first when you feel shit but it gets easier the more you do it. I also recommended the book I bang on about all the time on my channel ‘At Last a Life’ by Paul David and she said she would buy it and check out the videos about mental health on my channel.

This example is EXACTLY why I ignore my parent’s advice about not talking about anxiety because honestly, there is no feeling like that feeling where you know you have really made someone feel less alone in whatever they are going through. What my parents fail to understand is that if NO ONE talked about mental health, I truly believe there would be an even higher suicide rate in this country. When I had hugely severe anxiety last year, if no one had spoken about it either on youtube or to me in person then, well to be honest I don’t even like to think about what could have happened. There is nothing more important to knowing you are NOT alone!

I walked out of that gym with such a smile on my face because I was THAT girl and now I am going through recovery I get to talk to people and help them.

If you are currently struggling and feel as though you have no one in your life that ‘gets it’ then remember, you have me.

Also the website that Paul David set up was and is still sometimes invaluable to me on my ‘down’ days. Not only has he written some great blog posts but there is a wonderfully supportive community on there where everyone shares their stories and helps eachother. I can’t recommend his website more highly:

Anxietynomore.co.uk

Thank you for listening

Emily x

God I don’t even know where to begin on this. I am not going to go into the back story of my history of severe anxiety because I have spoken about it so many times on my channel.  But most of my long term subscribers know of my past struggles and I have just got back from Bareclona and as I was sitting on the rooftop of our hotel I don’t even know why I started thinking about this but I was suddenly quite overcome with just sadness that because of my anxiety, I essentially lost 2 years of my life. I don’t mean ‘lost’ as in, I did absolutely nothing. I didn’t just sit in my room for 2 years and not go outside or anything, although often going outside and doing something was extremely difficult. I just feel like I didn’t live for those 2 years and I kinda wanted to talk about it and get my thoughts down on paper. Partly from a selfish perspective because it’s quite cathartic for me to get my thoughts written down and spoken about but also for other people to feel less alone I guess and to know that I might feel the same as you. If only 1 person watching this video can relate and it makes me feel just a little better, then it’s been worth it.

Before I start talking about it, I want to clarify that what I went through was horrific but I also know that other people might have suffered for longer and are thinking ‘2 years, that’s nothing, try 10’ or whatever. I don’t want to downplay anyone else’s mental health issues, all I can do is comment on my own and my opinions of it all. So I truly hope I don’t offend anyone in this video and if anyone wants to share their experiences, please comment down below and I promise to reply to as many people as possible because I can talk about this subject for a long time. All I try and do is get people talking about what they’re going through because a problem shared is a problem halved genuinely. I wouldn’t have got through what I did without those people around me that knew exactly what I was going though, that was definitely a very essential part of my recovery so yeah, let’s all talk about it.

I just feel sad I think, not like a sadness that is making me feel anxious or anything. I just feel a bit sad and regret is an emotion I also feel but regretting is just such a waste of time, like literally the past doesn’t exist, it’s nothing, it’s gone. All you have is the here and now but it’s human nature to look back on stuff isn’t it? We humans love an analysing session don’t we? So I won’t spend too much time on talking about regret because it is something I don’t want to do anymore because whatever I did prior to my breakdown were choices I made at the time and they felt right then even if they probably weren’t really. I probably could have avoided my breakdown but in saying that, maybe something else would have happened that would have in a word…broken me, who knows? I knew I couldn’t handle the instability and ups and downs of the tv and online industry yet I didn’t give up on it because I’m not like that but there were so many signs I ignored and anxiety ended up getting the better of me. But anyway as I said, I’m not dwelling on regret because I don’t think it’s healthy.

I’m just sad that I missed out 2 years of my life because of anxiety. It was all I thought about 24 hours of every fucking day, I wasn’t sleeping at all, I couldn’t work because I found being around ppl too hard,  I didn’t go out so I didn’t meet any guys at all during this time and I’m sad that I wasted time from when I was 30 to 32 I guess. I was just obsessed with anxiety and when anxiety is all you think about and when you can’t function like other people, that is when you know you have a serious problem and I really did. I want to meet someone and I want certain things from life and I’m so sad that for those 2 years I cared about nothing apart from trying to get better mentally, hmmmm I don’t know. I was talking to my older sister about this in Barcelona and she was saying ‘we all have regrets, there are things we all feel sad about.  That was your life path, who knows what would happened, maybe this was just how things were meant to be for you and who knows it could have turned out even worse’ and she’s totally right. We all can look at the past and think what I should have done or could have done but you have to believe that what is meant to be will be and being totally honest, my breakdown was always going to happen and I knew it, ever since I was younger and I genuinely form the bottom of my heart don’t regret my breakdown because it has taught me things that will stay with me forever. I have read up so much about the mind and anxiety and depression and knowing what I know now I KNOW I will never have a breakdown ever again. So the tools I have to handle it all now is incredible and without my breakdown I would still be suffering from anxiety and feeling totally confused about what it is and how to handle it.

However, in saying all of that, I can’t get those 2 years of my life back and of course that makes me sad. Would I have met the love of my life? Would I have my own sitcom that I have always wanted? Maybe, maybe not. Those questions are impossible to answer so I don’t think about them because that doesn’t lead to  a good place, I’m just being totally honest about all of this and saying how it makes me feel.

What I do have, is a future and for those 2 years I couldn’t even envisage one so that is something I am eternally grateful for and often still can’t believe I am where I am today. I can work, and I can enjoy things and actually look forward to future events and for a long time I wasn’t capable of any of this. So the future is mine now and I am not going to waste anymore time thinking about anxiety. I am not totally recovered but that’s ok. I now feel in control of my life and I feel creative again. I can’t change the past but that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel a bit sad about it.

I hope this video has been helpful in some way or did I just ramble on? I’m not sure. Hopefully the former is true. Please comment below, we can all share our stories together and chat about it because you know me, I love to talk.

Thanks for reading this 🙂

Emily x

 

 

I recently made a video for my channel called ‘Am I Happy?’ and it seems to have really resonated with people. It was a video I was unsure about making because I kind of believe it’s best not to analyse our lives and our happiness too much as it can take you down a bad path.

There is a quote I read somewhere which said:

‘If you are happy, don’t analyse your happiness, don’t ask questions and don’t even think about it; just live it to the fullest’.

I think there is much truth in this quote, HOWEVER I did find it a fairly interesting process to question if I was happy and I was extremely honest about my thoughts on it.

So without further ado, here is the video and I hope some of you find it helpful. If nothing else, I hope it makes you feel less alone.

Never in a million years did I think I would be boxing and ACTUALLY loving it as well?

People have always assumed I am someone who does a lot of exercise. I think it’s because I am quite a restless person and am constantly on the move. Also just a tip for you, if you want people to think you’re a fitness fanatic just walk around in exercise clothes, seemed to the do the trick for me.

But the truth was, I did hardly any exercise. I played netball once a week and I just walked everywhere and when I say everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE. I would often walk from my flat in Clapham into Central London which takes a good hour and a half and I’d rarely use the tube. I for some reason have always had shocking stamina so a run was totally out of the question. I had friends who smoked and partied a lot and could still run a marathon with ease but at school I was always a sprinter, never a runner. I don’t know why, I just don’t have good stamina so walking it was.

Now I am not saying walking isn’t exercise and I really enjoyed it but do you know what you don’t get from walking? ENDORPHINS! I always felt better after a long walk but I wasn’t sweating, I didn’t get that euphoric high from my walk that you get from running or a high intensity exercise class. So for me it wasn’t enough and I knew I needed to find my ‘thing’.

Boy did it take a long time to find my ‘thing’. I tried yoga on numerous occasions (all I did throughout each class was think what I wanted to eat after), hot yoga (looking at other peoples sweat drip onto the floor was just too much for me), 80s aerobics (I actually enjoyed this class but it was only on once a week), kick boxing (boxing into the air feels like it’s boxing created for women and I don’t like that), going to the gym ( I DETEST going to the gym, I feel like a hamster on a wheel when I am on the treadmill, I’m running but I’m sure as f*ck not getting anywhere).

I can’t for the life of me remember how I found out about 1Rebel boxing but it was something I hadn’t tried before so I thought what have I got to lose? So I signed up to a 30 minute Rumble class at first just in case I hated it like everything else I had tried. I think I was only about 10 minutes into the class when I thought ‘F*CK I LOVE THIS’ and I walked out of the class feeling amazing. I had some serious euphoria going on!

What’s so good about the Rumble class is that it’s not just boxing, they mix up boxing with cardio exercises and every trainer does something different so the classes never become monotonous which is perfect for me as I get bored very quickly.

I have a history of fairly chronic anxiety which I battled with for years and I know exercise can do wonders for it but I never realised until now how much it can help. People always used to tell me how helpful it can be but I just thought I was someone who hated most forms of exercise so what was the point…..turns out I was wrong, oh so wrong!

I think with boxing in particular I find it incredible for my anxiety because the class is so intense and fast that it distracts me from my own mind/thoughts. It’s also dark with very loud music, which I know some people would hate but I love it. You all have your own punching bag and I can’t tell you how much punching that bag relieves so much of my stress and produces so many endorphins. If there is something I am particularly stressed or worried about I really channel that when I am boxing so it’s extremely cathartic. When I walk out that room I feel both physically and mentally stronger, like I could take on anything and that is a feeling I had never really experienced before and I wanted MORE.

It sounds slightly cringe but boxing seriously changed my life. Not only has it greatly reduced my anxiety levels but physically I look stronger, I am more toned and it has become an integral part of my life now. So to anyone reading this, who thinks that they just hate all exercise and can’t be arsed, I guarantee it’s because you just haven’t found your ‘thing’ yet so keep trying different things out and I promise that you will just KNOW when you have found ‘IT’. I never thought that boxing would be mine and it still surprises me every time I go that I am not dreading it, I am actually looking forward to it. Which is the opposite to how I felt when I used to drag myself to the gym or yoga. There is honestly no point doing something if you don’t enjoy it because you will always end up quitting. I started boxing 3 months and religiously go 3 times a week and will continue doing so until I am old and grey.

I am officially part of the REBEL ARMY and I bloody love it!

If you want to try out 1Rebel to see if it’s your ‘thing’ find them here:

https://www.1rebel.co.uk/
https://twitter.com/1Rebel_UK
https://www.instagram.com/1rebeluk/