I know what you’re thinking….you don’t look 33 Emily! Please stop….you’re making me blush

30 bloody 3, you know when your birthday is coming up and you’re like oh my god I am actually going to be 33. How did I get here? It’s weird. When I was younger, I thought 33 was sooooo old and now I’m 33 it’s like wow I am still acting like I am 20. Except now when I go out I like to sit down and that’s it. Every year before my birthday I think I am ok about the fact I am 1 year older but then that date creeps up slowly and then I start to freak out a bit. Well not freak out, I’m over exaggerating but I do feel a bit weird, that’s normal right? You can’t answer me. It’s kind of like christmas or new year isn’t it? It’s like a time of year where you think what you were doing last year, where you were, how you felt, what have you achieved in that year. And don’t get me wrong last year I felt pretty bloody terrible on my birthday. I was drowning in anxiety and I wasn’t able to appreciate much so to just know how much I have improved is amazing in itself but I won’t lie, I still don’t REALLY wanna be 33. There are things I don’t have which I would like, like a partner (god I actually just said the word partner), I would like to stop being so frivolous with money and actually save something, anything actually. I do want children 100%, when I was younger I was always the one of our sisters to play with babies, and do babysitting and I have always just ben very maternal and good with children and this is something I want for my life. Some people aren’t that bothered about having children but I am and always have been. So I think as a woman in your 30s these are things you naturally think about. Do you know what isn’t helpful? Other people telling you that. When people are like ‘ohh should you be thinking about kids soon’, ‘you know it becomes harder to get pregnant as you get older’, what confuses me is do people think it’s helpfuil when they say stuff like this? Are they seriously stupid enough to not think these are things I already know and already put pressure on myself about so I don’t need the added pressure from you. Ok? I understand that women have to think more about age with regards to children because of our stupid biological clocks  but no one needs reminding of it, NO ONE. Because I assure you we already know! I spent 2 years of my life with insane anxiety worrying about things I cannot control and I am not doing that anymore. Would I like to meet someone? Yes. Would I like to have children at some point? Absolutely. Am I willing to settle for someone just because I want that stuff? No! if you are, then you know that’s great but I just can’t do that and I don’t want to do that. I have friends who are single and miserable, I have friends who are with people and miserable. I have friends who are single and couldn’t care less, and friends who are very happy with their partners. We are all on different paths and I know it’s so easy to compare ourselves sometimes to other people but that’s their life, this is yours. Comparing will drive you insane, trust me. It’s a large part of why I went I insane last year I think.

 

I’ll be honest, I have spent most of my life thinking  I need a man to complete me and when I met someone THEN I’ll be happy. Fuck me, what a load of absolute bollocks!! Like seriously!! And it’s taken me a long time to be happy being by myself and I honestly think there is nothing more important than that. Jessica hates being by herself and rarely is actually and I used to be like that but over the years I am truly embraced it and become so much more brave and indepedant than I ever thought possible and I’m proud of myself for that. And while I’m on the topic of being single, why is it that we treat single people like some anthropological study? It’s like what is the big deal? Do I need a boyfriend to get validation from other people or something? I think increasingly nowadays (and I can only real speak for women here) but being single is a choice, atleast for me anyway because a lot of us nowadays aren’t willing to settle. It’s 2017, as someone with a vagina I have more to offer life than being a wife and bearing a child, yes biology will obviously fuck us in the end but there is more to us now and some people need to remember that.

Wow I’ve gone of topic, I have a habit of doing that……..

So yes I’m 33 in (however many days) days and as much as I can’t quite believe I’m going to be 33. I’m proud of myself for a lot of things:

  1. For not giving up when things were absolutely horrific
  2. For being self employed and sticking with my dreams (because there were big lows with regards to that and not knowing how I’m going to pay my rent often)
  3. For keeping going with my youtube channel. It’s been 5 years with putting 1 sometimes two videos every week. That is madness and it takes a shit load of self motivation

So although I don’t have everything my heart desires, I feel ok about being 33. But if anyone mentions my ovaries, I will LOSE. MY. SHIT

I was rattling or is it racking? Actually it’s racking, let me start again….

I was RACKING my brain trying to think of new blog post topic and then someone commented on a photo I uploaded of myself on holiday in Barcelona and BAM, I had my new topic.

So yesterday I posted this picture in my faceook group

I’m on holiday because I work f*cking hard so SUE ME!

Anyway someone commented on this photo saying this:

I mean FUCK ME, where do I even start with this one?

I understand that it’s annoying when you are not on holiday and someone else is and for them to then post a picture like this right in front of your face. I get it, it’s fucking irritating when it happens to me too but that’s just life. Of course it all boils down to jealousy because wouldn’t everyone like to be sitting on a rooftop in Barcelona right now? OBVIOUSLY but why the need for the added hate? I just can’t bare that type of negativity. When I see people I know on holiday in an amazing place? In my head I am obviously thinking ‘Oh fuck you, I hate you’ but I would NEVER say that to them and THAT is the difference. There is no need to project such hatred onto someone because you are jealous of what they are doing or have got. We are all capable of jealousy and you can always find someone to be jealous of but we all have our own lives that all take us down different paths and that’s just life.

So this guy is obviously extremely unhappy with his life and I feel very sorry for him. He can’t afford to go on holiday but he clearly doesn’t like me so he has 2 options:

  1. Keep following me
  2. Unfollow me

We all have a choice and he has a choice to look or look away. Personally I would suggest he goes for the latter option because I don’t ever want to be responsible for someone’s unhappiness and I can understand for someone who suffers from depression, how my photo of me sunning myself in Barcelona could deepen his depression. But he has a choice and I have had many friends who have gone off Facebook and Instagram and have said they feel much calmer by doing so. Having others people’s lives shoved in their faces all the time is not ideal but my point is we are CHOOSING to look. I also try and be as honest as I can on social media, if I am feeling shit one day I won’t post a picture of me smiling because by doing this I am lying to others and most importantly to myself BUT in this picture above I am genuinely happy so I posted it.

My gut reaction when I read his comment was that of anger because he writes like he knows me and to assume that someone who has severe anxiety can’t enjoy a holiday is LUDICROUS. I have worked so utterly hard on myself and to recover (slowly!) from anxiety that for me to now actually enjoy a holiday is SUCH a blessing and something I am eternally grateful for. So with this anger I had developed,  I started to form a reply based on that emotion but then I stopped myself because as I read it again, I could sense such sadness in his post so me to then attack him back would make me down to his level.

I think this is one of the main things I hate about being ‘online’ and one of the very dark things about the internet is that my life is showcased for all to see. The upside of this is that I get to share things that are important to me with everyone and attempt in a very small way to make this world a better place. Like my experiences with severe anxiety or my love for animals and their welfare.  However, the very obvious down side to all this is that I am literally putting myself on a chopping board for everyone to judge, comment and criticise. And for someone with anxiety, I can assure you that is not a good thing.

I really do try and live by the quote ‘If you have nothing nice to say then don’t say it at all’. I didn’t really used to live by this quote but my nervous breakdown TOTALLY changed me and the kind of person I was. I would make small comments to people around me, not in a malicious way but in a ‘not thinking’ way so I wouldn’t think about how my comment might come across or be received. But now I think before I speak and am careful with what I say to people because you just don’t know what someone is going through so you need to tread very carefully.

This world is fucked in so many ways and I just think the nicest thing you can is just be kind to others, what could be better than that?

So yes, you might be jealous that I am currently sitting on a beautiful rooftop in Barcelona but just try and keep those thoughts to yourself and the world will be a much nicer place.

Thanks for reading this 🙂

Em xx

 

Someone recently posted this comment on one of my Instagram’s pictures and I thought it was a very interesting observation.

Being totally honest, he kinda hit the nail on the head. I am both happy AND lonely

I am 32 so ofCOURSE I would like to meet someone who I can build a life with and create amazing memories with (and voluntarily donate their sperm to me too) but I spent YEARS worrying about things that are totally out of my control and it sent me into a dark place that I never thought I would get of, so I say….

I have the most amazing group of friends around me and I have the most loving family (apart from when Jessica pisses me off) so I am not ‘technically’ what you would call lonely but I am alone, you know? I am not embarrassed to admit that I do feel lonely some nights and more often on the weekends. I mean, I don’t know about you but I don’t even like weekends. I think that has a lot to do with being single (in my humble opinion) because when you are ‘with partner’ you don’t need to make as many plans, you can just fly by the seat of ya pants. LUCKY BASTARDS! But when you are single, you need to plan more because otherwise you really will be physically alone the entire weekend!

Let me clarify what I mean more because I don’t want what I am trying to say to be misunderstood…..

It’s not that I don’t feel completed because I don’t need anyone to complete me but it would be nice to have someone in my life to share things with and to create a future together.  I think that would be nice and I would like that very much.

So in a nutshell, I am lonely but I am happy which is kind of weird but then I’m kind of weird so I’ll take that

I’m writing this on the train as I am on route to Salcombe in Devon as the Hartridge’s commence their annual Easter trip in the West Country. I remember this time last year and I was so riddled with anxiety that looking forward to anything again seemed like a distant memory. However. none of my family would have known how much I was struggling because I was doing what every person who suffers from mental health issues is doing every god damn day….

BEING THE BEST ACTRESS/ACTOR THERE EVER WAS

 

They say those with anxiety or depression (although I have to admit my knowledge of depression is fairly limited because not to downplay how severe it was but anxiety was my ‘thing’) are the best actors and actresses in the world because often and this is excluding those who are severely mentally ill, often you could not spot someone who was suffering. You certainly wouldn’t have been able to if you had met me a year ago, you would actually probably gone as far as to say ‘That girl seems really happy’. I’ve done this with people I have met too and then later they confess that they are struggling and it breaks my heart thinking of the ‘show’ we have to put on sometimes just so other people don’t find out. For me it wasn’t just that I didn’t want other people to know I had severe anxiety, I was also trying to ‘fake it so I could make it’ which actually does really help.

 

Do you know that your brain is actually really stupid and doesn’t know the difference between actually happy and pretend happy? So by pretending that you’re ok and acting normally in front of others your body starts to send signals to your brain that you are in fact safe and not in danger. As a result of all that, your anxiety levels will begin to reduce. Now I know this sounds easy in practice but let me tell you from someone who suffered with severe anxiety and thought of nothing else all day/all night (sleep was basically out of the question), just trying to act ‘normal’ feels almost impossible and often the very thought of being in a social situation was too much to bare. Being totally honest, it probably took me about a year to master this and I still have rare days now where it takes me by surprise but the conversation in my head now goes a little like this:

Anxiety- Shit Emily, this is a situation you used to panic in and I think you should panic now actually because you don’t know that person and you have to spend an entire lunch talking to them. Freak out, freak out now!

Me – Oh piss off

Everyone goes at their own paces so don’t compare yourself to anyone else, we all recover at different rates. I always knew it would take a while for me because I am extremely impatient and if you talk to ANYONE with mental health problems, they will tell you that the one word to always remember is PATIENCE. And boy was I lacking that……

I feel like I have gone off on a massive tangent from where I wanted this blog post to go, that’s the thing with anxiety. Once I start talking about it, it’s honestly like the gates open and words just flow.

Anyway yes so I am on this train off to Salcombe and I guess I am just so appreciative of how calm I am and that I am ACTUALLY looking forward to it (both the champagne when I get there AND spending time with my family obvs). What is so strange about appreciating these things is that before I started to experience anxiety, the things I used to appreciate were so different or should I say, the things I took for granted. Feeling calm, having amazing friends and family, my health, my heart not racing a zillion miles an hour, ACTUALLY getting 7/8 hours sleep a night. We ALL take these things for granted and until you go through something that shakes you to your utter core, you probably always will. This is why I am so weirdly grateful for my breakdown and I don’t use the word ‘breakdown’ lightly I can assure you. I don’t want to get too dark but I didn’t see the point in being here, that’s how low I was. Going through all that has made me so much stronger and has totally changed my outlook on life and myself.

The majority of us dwell on the past or worry about the future but when you actually think about it its crazy. The past has happened, there is literally NOTHING you can do to change it and the future has not happened yet so quit worrying about it!

I know these are just words and I make that sound easy but I know it’s not, as I said it has taken me a long time to get there and I still have ‘those’ days but I have read up so much about the mind that it just all makes sense to me now.

I will go into this book in more detail in another post but the book can set me on my path to recovery is called ‘At Last a Life’ by Paul David. Paul is the most amazing man you will ever come across and dedicates his entire life to helping others who suffer from anxiety. He’s not a doctor or a psychiatrist but do you know what he is? Someone who has ACTUALLY experienced severe anxiety, for 10 whole years in fact. There is nothing I hate more than seeing a book on anxiety written by some doctor or so called ‘expert’ who has never experienced it in his life, YOU KNOW NOTHING MATE!!!!

Without Paul’s book and help, I shudder to think where I would be today, I really do. Paul, if you ever read this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me. If I was best mates with God, I would get him to open those gates WIDE OPEN for you J

Sorry if it was a bit of a random post.

Thanks for listening

Emily x

 

To find more out about Paul David go here:

http://anxietynomore.co.uk/

https://twitter.com/anxietynomoreuk

https://www.facebook.com/anxietynomoreuk/