My Latest Video


I recently went to Salcombe in Devon with ALL my family and there are a lot of us…

It was:

Myself
Dad
Mum
Charlotte (my older sis)
Jess (younger sis)
Alice (twin of Jess)
Ed (Charlotte’s husband)
Bertie (Alice’s boyfriend)
Arlo (Charlotte’s son)
Winter (Charlotte’s daughter)

So yeah as I said. There was A LOT of us 🙂

I love to film when I go away because I love the memories these videos create and they are something we can all look back on in years to come and treasure them.

Unfortunately these kind of vlogs don’t do so well on my channel because well, they don’t have boobs in the title (oh dear) but I don’t care because I love making these videos so much and I hope you all enjoy watching them (for those of you who are less bothered about the lack of boob chat).

Anyway, here is the vlog. Enjoy…..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZbxIkvWlOg

I’m writing this on the train as I am on route to Salcombe in Devon as the Hartridge’s commence their annual Easter trip in the West Country. I remember this time last year and I was so riddled with anxiety that looking forward to anything again seemed like a distant memory. However. none of my family would have known how much I was struggling because I was doing what every person who suffers from mental health issues is doing every god damn day….

BEING THE BEST ACTRESS/ACTOR THERE EVER WAS

 

They say those with anxiety or depression (although I have to admit my knowledge of depression is fairly limited because not to downplay how severe it was but anxiety was my ‘thing’) are the best actors and actresses in the world because often and this is excluding those who are severely mentally ill, often you could not spot someone who was suffering. You certainly wouldn’t have been able to if you had met me a year ago, you would actually probably gone as far as to say ‘That girl seems really happy’. I’ve done this with people I have met too and then later they confess that they are struggling and it breaks my heart thinking of the ‘show’ we have to put on sometimes just so other people don’t find out. For me it wasn’t just that I didn’t want other people to know I had severe anxiety, I was also trying to ‘fake it so I could make it’ which actually does really help.

 

Do you know that your brain is actually really stupid and doesn’t know the difference between actually happy and pretend happy? So by pretending that you’re ok and acting normally in front of others your body starts to send signals to your brain that you are in fact safe and not in danger. As a result of all that, your anxiety levels will begin to reduce. Now I know this sounds easy in practice but let me tell you from someone who suffered with severe anxiety and thought of nothing else all day/all night (sleep was basically out of the question), just trying to act ‘normal’ feels almost impossible and often the very thought of being in a social situation was too much to bare. Being totally honest, it probably took me about a year to master this and I still have rare days now where it takes me by surprise but the conversation in my head now goes a little like this:

Anxiety- Shit Emily, this is a situation you used to panic in and I think you should panic now actually because you don’t know that person and you have to spend an entire lunch talking to them. Freak out, freak out now!

Me – Oh piss off

Everyone goes at their own paces so don’t compare yourself to anyone else, we all recover at different rates. I always knew it would take a while for me because I am extremely impatient and if you talk to ANYONE with mental health problems, they will tell you that the one word to always remember is PATIENCE. And boy was I lacking that……

I feel like I have gone off on a massive tangent from where I wanted this blog post to go, that’s the thing with anxiety. Once I start talking about it, it’s honestly like the gates open and words just flow.

Anyway yes so I am on this train off to Salcombe and I guess I am just so appreciative of how calm I am and that I am ACTUALLY looking forward to it (both the champagne when I get there AND spending time with my family obvs). What is so strange about appreciating these things is that before I started to experience anxiety, the things I used to appreciate were so different or should I say, the things I took for granted. Feeling calm, having amazing friends and family, my health, my heart not racing a zillion miles an hour, ACTUALLY getting 7/8 hours sleep a night. We ALL take these things for granted and until you go through something that shakes you to your utter core, you probably always will. This is why I am so weirdly grateful for my breakdown and I don’t use the word ‘breakdown’ lightly I can assure you. I don’t want to get too dark but I didn’t see the point in being here, that’s how low I was. Going through all that has made me so much stronger and has totally changed my outlook on life and myself.

The majority of us dwell on the past or worry about the future but when you actually think about it its crazy. The past has happened, there is literally NOTHING you can do to change it and the future has not happened yet so quit worrying about it!

I know these are just words and I make that sound easy but I know it’s not, as I said it has taken me a long time to get there and I still have ‘those’ days but I have read up so much about the mind that it just all makes sense to me now.

I will go into this book in more detail in another post but the book can set me on my path to recovery is called ‘At Last a Life’ by Paul David. Paul is the most amazing man you will ever come across and dedicates his entire life to helping others who suffer from anxiety. He’s not a doctor or a psychiatrist but do you know what he is? Someone who has ACTUALLY experienced severe anxiety, for 10 whole years in fact. There is nothing I hate more than seeing a book on anxiety written by some doctor or so called ‘expert’ who has never experienced it in his life, YOU KNOW NOTHING MATE!!!!

Without Paul’s book and help, I shudder to think where I would be today, I really do. Paul, if you ever read this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me. If I was best mates with God, I would get him to open those gates WIDE OPEN for you J

Sorry if it was a bit of a random post.

Thanks for listening

Emily x

 

To find more out about Paul David go here:

http://anxietynomore.co.uk/

https://twitter.com/anxietynomoreuk

https://www.facebook.com/anxietynomoreuk/

 

 

Just to note: there is a video on this topic on my channel which I link below but I really enjoyed making so I thought I would write a blog post about it too so enjoy…….

Being a single 32 year old I often get asked the question of what I look for in a man or a boyfriend and I think we all know the traits we would like our PERFECT man to have. I certainly know mine HOWEVER and this is a big HOWEVER I am NOT looking for a man who ticks every single one of these boxes. Would this be the dream? Absolutely. Is my life a romantic comedy? Absolutely not.

So here are the top 10 things I look for in a man and Liam Hemsworth if you’re reading this, I am ready for you….mentally and physically.

Sense of humour

I am aware this is an extremely predictable desired trait in a man but it’s genuinely top of my list. I have been on numerous dates with very good looking men (it’s hard to say that without sounding like a twat so I just went for it) and although I thoroughly enjoyed looking at them the entire evening, they just didn’t make me laugh so the whole evening was just a bit ‘meh’. There is nothing more euphoric than leaving a date with a guy that you spent the whole evening laughing with! That sh*t is better than crack I tell ya (Just to clarify I haven’t tried crack but I’m sure pretty sure this would be better).  I have a few dating app dates (kill me) and so many guys seem to funny in their messages but then when I meet then, it’s like ‘What happened?!’ ‘You were so funny when we were messaging?’. I know it’s because on the app they had time to think of something funny but it’s just so disappointing. This is happened to me more times than I care to admit and I am so bored of it. WHERE ARE THE ALL FUNNY MEN?!?!?!?

Hot

Okay so shoot me, I want a hot boyfriend. Obviously we all have different versions of ‘hot’ and I don’t need a Brad Pitt lookalike or anything (although obvs that would be the dream) but I have this weird thing that when I have a boyfriend EVERYTIME he walks into a room I want to look at him and think ‘I GET TO TAP THAT’.

I mean as you both grow old you will probably lose this feeling, as his balls get saggier so I think when you’re younger it’s important to have this lust for each other. And I really do believe you can have both lust and love in a relationship. It’s an ‘and’ NOT an ‘or’.

Kindness

Again, VERY cliché but I am a sucker for a genuinely lovely and kind guy. I think you often KNOW when someone is just basically a really nice guy and it’s extremely sexy in my opinion. I know there is a lot of talk about women loving bad boys and men who ‘treat them mean to keep them keen’ and I won’t lie to you, I have fallen for this trap more times than I care to admit (in fact it happened about 1 month ago!). We as women might lust after a bad boy BUT we will never marry one!

Chilled Personality

I know this come as shock to you all but I am not the most chilled person you have ever met. I mean, I am actually chilled about some things but if I were to describe myself to someone I wouldn’t use the word ‘chilled’. Funny? Yes. Chilled? Not so much. So for me personally, I would ideally like a man who is fairly chilled and relaxed to balance me out.

Ambition

My ambition is actually something I really pride myself on. Although it definitely leaves me a bit exhausted sometimes, I am always striving, always working hard and always trying to make shit happen. So it’s definitely something I also look for in a guy. He doesn’t necessarily have to be hugely successful or rich but he just needs to have ambition to make his mark on the world and not sit on his ass the whole time waiting for something happen.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING GO OUT AND GET IT!!!!

Height

Now I am 5’11 which can be great but also bloody annoying sometimes because it essentially halves the pool of men I can choose from. I know some women don’t mind their boyfriend being shorter than them but I just don’t like it. It feels weird when you’re walking down the street with your boyfriend and you’re the one that ends up putting you arm around him, you know? I actually did have quite a short boyfriend once for a few months and although I did really fancy him but I spent the entire relationship saying we should sit down when we were out because we were the same height sitting down……

So yes in an ideal world, my future husband would be taller than me.

No party boys!!

Now you may or may not know this about but I suffered from chronic anxiety for many years so with regards to drinking, I have to take it fairly easy. I now know my limits and I stick to them because it’s just not worth it the next day. If you have no mental health issues and feel tired, paranoid and a bit sketchy on a hangover. Times how you felt by 100 and you’ll know how I used to feel on a hangover……

I do drink and go out obviously because I am single and I ain’t going to find my future hubby on my sofa but with regards to my future hubby, I couldn’t be with anyone who was a huge party boy and liked to get smashed most days of the week because we’d just be on totally opposite wave lengths and it would never work. I have been with people in the past like this and it was a total nightmare. We spent most of the time arguing because I wanted to go home by 1am and his night was basically starting……which is my idea of a NIGHTMARE!!

Good in Social Situations

Despite my anxiety, I am ironically someone who is very good in social situations and I actually love meeting new people. I say ‘ironically’ because a lot of people with anxiety find socialising hard but that’s definitely not the case with me. You could throw me into a room full of strangers and I’ll be making new friends within minutes so this is a quality I also look for in a man. If I took him to a party where he didn’t know anyone, I don’t want to have to worry about him chatting to people and having a fun time. I’d like to be able to throw him into any situation and watch him work the room. For me, that is VERY sexy

Romance

Now I think because I am a fairly confident and independent woman people generally assume I wouldn’t like romance but let me tell you a little secret:

I     BLOODY       LOVE       IT

Before you get on your sexist high horse, I know women can be romantic too and I am actually a very romantic girlfriend but I really do want a romantic boyfriend too. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it, I just love it! I think it’s because to be romantic you have to be thoughtful and really take the time to think what that person would like and what would make him or her happy. I also think men don’t realise what suckers women can be for romance, it can be the smallest gift or gesture and it will actually make her day.
On Valentines day one year, my ex boyfriend did a treasure hunt for me around the area I lived in and every clue I found had a gift for me with it. It honestly must have taken him so long to plan and orchestrate and it was just amazing.

Let’s just ignore the fact we broke up 5 months later shall we…….

Commitment

Yes men, I said COMMITMENT. I look for commitment in a man…..I’m 32, so sue me! Now I am not saying on the first date I want to discuss marriage, babies and if you’ll be including me your will because I am not insane. But I just don’t have time for any commitment phobes and that’s all there is to it.

So there you go, my top 10 things I look for in a man. I hope you enjoyed reading this list J

I am now off to pray that someone who ticks all these boxes will walk into my life in the not so distant future…….

See ya

Em x